"The child is a phantom."

Dream: The dream is a bit vague now, but hopefully more will come back to me as the day goes on. What I do remember clearly is an angry old asain Grandpa in a 5 story apartment watching down from his balcony. We couldn't even smoke in the courtyard because we knew he was watching. We decide that his grandson is interesting, a toddler, maybe 2 years old. We take care of him, he's very odd but very interesting. The old man is yelling from his apartment. We leave the apartment, and leave the Grandson with a friend. I finish whatever errands and head back to the apartment, on my way there I run into my brothers old friend, whose just got back from Chicago. He tells me he hated it. He demonstrates for me how the wind in Chicago carried sound further than anywhere else, he says look over there for example, and points a mile in the distance, "You could hear someone screaming from all the way over there, it was a nightmare." We finish up and I head to the apartment excited to see the grandson. I get to the apartment and find my companion screaming at Daniel I believe, who has been taking care of the kid. "YOU KILLED THE KID!?!" Daniel killed the toddler. Daniel was shaking, holding a book, he explained how he did it, how he shook the kid to the pavement, he explained who the kid was, showed us in his book a picture of an ancient Chinese demonic child emperor, who was regarded by the Chinese as the embodiment of evil. I'm picturing a ringing sensation as Daniel picked up the child and shook him, the child dies, and fades to darkness and emerges in the darkness as a set of eyes, the eyes pictured above. Completely debilitating fear comes over me, at which point I wake up and try and fathom what I just saw in my dream.

GOING TO JAIL

I am in debt now, so much debt. Nothing life threatening, just headache inducing. Anxiety, nausea, and debt. Yuck.

EGO

THINGS TO OBSESS:

secular

Hole

King's Lead Hat - Brian Eno
Electricity - Captain Beefheart
Graves of Deluxe Green - Alternative TV
Baby Baby - the Vibrators
the Outback - Rik L Rik
Rocket USA - Suicide
U.S.S.A - Butthole Surfers
Smash the Mac - CRASS
Personal Jesus - Boys Noize

DIARY EXERTS 2006-2008

I WROTE

'HELL IS BACK' over and over and over again, for an entire year. Why? I don't know. But it's everywhere. That and 'JUST SAY NO THANKS' and reoccuring shapes like a rectangle with a cloud. I think I used to think it was spiritual, and important to me the same way 'I AM MY OWN TEMPLE' is important to me. But no, the most present is still:
KILL
PURE
ULTRA
WHITE
BLACK
FACE
,written on every page of 3 notebooks. condensed in vanity mirror frames. It's perhaps OCD, or perhaps such magnetic ideas that i feared would dissolve unless I wrote them out a million times. It's like I'm not an artist anymore, but rather a detective collecting evidence of my head.

YOU!

Representational Painting is so hard.

DREAMS: Have been dreaming recently realities close to those of being awake. For example, I dreamt the door to the space was left wide open. I dreamt playing at 340. I dreamt people the same as they are but in harsher tones. No noteworthy dreams. But what's interesting is how these mundane dreams have mirrored my moods, or vice versa. Mirrored my attempt at representational painting: bad attempt at dulled reality.